Last year I hit the big 50. I took my birthday cards down after a day because I couldn’t bear to look at that huge number. When you reach 50 it really does seem old. You know you’ve definitely arrived at the gatepost marked middle age. There’s no getting away from that fact and yet I don’t feel any different to how I felt when I was 20, physically at any rate. Most of my life is now behind me. I’ve lived for half a century. I was born twenty years after the end of the second world war and the year that Churchill died. Wow! It seems incredible. So what does it feel like to turn 50? I can only tell you what it feels like for me. Other people might feel very differently.
In the two years leading up to the big 50 I began to worry about my memory. I’m not quite as sharp as I used to be in conversations. It upsets me that I can’t remember very much about what I learned at university and sometimes the news is a muddle. I have to refresh my mind all the time by googling things. I put all this down to being pre-menopausal.
The most incredible thing about turning 50 is that I can remember very clearly being my children’s age. They are 19, 17 and 11 now and it only seems like yesterday that I was their age. I can relate to what they are going through. I can remember my first day at secondary school and the worry of finding the classrooms. I can remember college and university. It was hard to relate to them and understand them when they were below 11 years old. It’s great having teenagers and I love being open with them about life and their questions and discussions are interesting.
I’m dreading the menopause because my doctor says I can expect to put on an extra stone in weight. There’s no sign of the menopause yet but my periods have been very erratic for the past year. I went for 6 months without one, then like buses 3 in quick succession came along. I don’t worry about contraception anymore. I know I’m chancing my luck. There are women who do get pregnant at my age but if you look at the statistics there’s a remote chance of conceiving. Fertility declines after 40 and drastically declines at 50. It’s great not having to worry about contraception but it’s not all good news. Down below I’m as dry as a desert and no amount of foreplay makes any difference. There are plenty of products in Boots the Chemist that help. Being dry means intercourse can be painful and cause little tears and soreness.
On the subject of sex I want it just as much as I ever did and very little is forbidden in my eyes! Mainly I want it as an expression of love and feeling close. However too much sex at my age seems to cause cystitis, thrush and bruising. I wonder if other women find the same problem. Men though have their fair share of problems in bed as well, due to age and conditions such as diabetes. I wanted to write about the problems of sex in middle age which is why I wrote ‘The Catholic Woman’s Dying Wish.’
Here’s the link:
The main character, Darius has erectile dysfunction and he takes medication for this. There is a lot of humour in this book to lighten the serious side to the story. If you are experiencing problems of this kind you’ll need a sense of humour and a lot of sensitivity towards your partner. Try not to make a big issue of it. In my experience very often the problem sorts itself out with time and is not always related to underlying health issues. Talking to different men about this intimate problem sometimes it’s down to confidence issues. Like women men in their middle age are also feeling under confident about their aging bodies and saggy bellies. With patience and love you can overcome the difficulties. I’m no expert, just a participant observer, but medication such as Viagra and Cialis are very effective. Cialis carries on working over several days. Viagra works very quickly but over a short period of time. It’s like striking a match – you’ve got to jump into bed the minute it works! Cialis is a more even drug to take. There are also testosterone jabs.
Regarding relationships in general there is a sense, at 50 that time is running out. I don’t waste time on relationships that aren’t going anywhere or on men I don’t particularly fancy. I did a lot of that when I was younger. Time is precious. Spending time with family and friends becomes more valued. It’s a bit like being on a fortnight’s holiday. You can waste the first few days bumming around but on the last day the holiday is suddenly nearly over and you need to do the most important thing. That could be buying gifts to take back, or a trip to sea to see the dolphins. In life the older you get the more precious time is. You don’t want to mess around wasting it.
At 50 I no longer worry about money and I have more money now than I did when I was younger. I can go on trips, buy a new car, treat myself to nice jewellery and clothes from posh shops like Monsoon and East rather than rummaging through Primark’s sale. I’ve never been in debt so am unlikely ever to be. Fingers crossed. You can’t take anything in life for granted. I trust myself financially. I feel confident that I’ll be ok in retirement and I’ve set clear goals for the next 20 years.
I know myself much better at 50 than I did at 20 but I don’t accept who I am and never will. I battle with who I am. For many years I didn’t know who I was – on many levels. I don’t always like myself but things have changed a lot since I became a funeral celebrant in 2012. At last I’ve found a career I love and am good at. I love people. I love learning about the lives of others and I love public speaking. At last all of my strengths, assets and passions are being expressed and used and so I think, on balance I’m glad I’ve arrived at 50.