This week sees the largest number of couples making initial contact with a lawyer for advice about divorce. Maybe you are one of them. In this blog I want to discuss the impact of divorce on children.
Divorce doesn’t just affect the couple concerned. It has a massive emotional impact on children, grandparents and close friends. It’s upsetting to the whole equilibrium of family and social lives. Before you embark upon this route think of how it will impact upon other people.
Twelve years ago I journeyed through the divorce maze. It’s a lonely journey through brambles, blindfolded. One friend described it to me. ‘It’s like looking through a kaleidoscope. It’s blurry and you don’t know what will happen.’ Divorce is one of those unknown entities and until you begin that process you really don’t know whether, long run it will be a good or a bad thing to do. My advice is if you are in any doubt stay put. Staying put for the children’s sake these days is considered a bit old fashioned. But actually it still remains the best reason to stay put. I’ve seen many children end up messed up after divorce experiencing nervous break downs, problems at school, personality change and so on. Children don’t understand what’s going on. Don’t put them through it if you possibly can. (Of course if there is violence in your household you must leave.)
You may be under the illusion that children are strong creatures. Well actually they aren’t as strong as we think. Look at half the adults walking the earth. So many of us are fucked up because of our childhood. My own parents divorced and the impact on me has been massive, particularly in terms of the relationships I’ve formed. There is a pattern. Often divorced people come from divorced families, though there are exceptions. Over the years it would have been lovely to visit both parents, together, in the same house at Christmas time and at weekends and see them happy and united. But even though you can see two parents they are living separate lives and somehow they’ve become more selfish. They don’t ask about the other parent. There’s a sense of disunity to the whole family and that can feel very isolating.
When I was thinking of divorce a Christian friend invited me out for coffee and gave me what I considered, at the time to be a lecture. Walking away that day I was cross, felt she was being smug and self righteous in her happy little unit that never seemed to have any problems. But what she said was right. I’ll never forget her words and I now thank her now for putting the case against divorce on the basis that it’s the worst thing to happen in a child’s life. She warned me about bringing a new man into the children’s lives. ‘No man can ever truly love another man’s children in the same way the father does,’ she said. He may find it hard to be patient, he could become aggressive, violent under the stress of being around your children, he may not be that interested in your child’s homework issues, he may prefer to go on holiday with you but not the kids. Of course you will be saying to me ‘if he loves me then he’ll love my children too.’ That’s not always the case. To put it bluntly most men, in my experience want you, but they don’t want the ‘baggage’ you come with. They won’t show reveal that initially. They’ll impress you by making a massive effort with your kids but in my experience and in the experience of countless other women I’ve spoken to it doesn’t last.
My two books give an insight into the fallout from relationship breakdown:
So if you are seriously thinking about divorce why not give your marriage another chance. You made promises to each other after all. Countless studies have shown that children on balance are better off with two unhappy parents together than parents apart and their lives disrupted by the constant toing and froing between two houses and two parents squabbling about access arrangements, maintenance and other issues that arise.