I’ve often wondered whether, in a different life I’d be happier gay. Men and women, by their very natures are so different and these differences can lead to so much conflict and misunderstanding. It’s so hard to understand how a man’s brain is wired at the best of times but if they have an extreme male brain – the condition known as Aspergers it’s doubly hard.
Aspergers is a mild autistic spectrum disorder, where those afflicted can lead ‘normal’ lives, but behave in a way that is rigid and lacking in sensitivity. It is an incurable developmental disability in which one’s ability to communicate and relate to the outside world is impaired, meaning empathy (the drive to identify with others’ emotions), socialising and picking up on cues, such as subtlety or irony, are virtually impossible. The term Asperger’s was coined some 60 years ago, derived from the Austrian paediatrician Hans Asperger, who believed that mildly autistic people could lead normal lives, especially if given the proper encouragement.
90% of people with Aspergers are male. I’m 51 and when I was at school we had never heard of the condition. There are lots of men walking around today who are unaware they have it. They have never been diagnosed. Most usually these men are found in high office and in well paid jobs because they are extremely intelligent.
I have always been attracted to very intelligent men. The downside though is that they might also have Aspergers. I reckon at least three men that I have dated and lived with have the condition and it is extremely hard to be in a relationship with such men. Their company needs to be balanced with lots of female company to make up for all their shortfalls.
There is a lot of discussion on the internet about how to see the positives in your Asperger’s man and how to have a fulfilling relationship with him. For me it’s easier to bow out of the relationship because it’s simply too hard. Such men are emotionally detached. They are great when they’re talking in detail about their interests and subjects they know something about which don’t involve anything on a personal level. If you’ve just had a job interview, have a friend who is ill in hospital, a nightmare boss they won’t ask you about it or help you resolve any problems. They show zero empathy and they don’t notice if you’ve had a drastic haircut or you’re wearing a new dress. In fact they never compliment you on anything from a well done, to a you look lovely. Asperger’s men can’t show empathy or understanding. They can’t engage in your life. They are on the sidelines living in their bubble and the only way it will work is for you to accept their rigid ways and enter their world. You have to be a saint and give up who you are and not to rely on them for emotional support but to look to your female friends for this instead.
Because Asperger’s men can’t relate to you and can’t handle emotions and feelings they will either get aggressive or they will cry when all you want is to talk through how you feel and for them to share how they feel but you will never know how they feel, not on a personal level. They will tell you what they think of Brexit or the migrant crisis but they won’t tell you how they feel about their father’s death or comment on your life losses. It can be like talking to a brick wall. They will listen to you but they won’t respond. It’s like living in an empty relationship.
In bed they might be passionate and see sex as a fantastic work out or they might be clumsy and not know how to develop the right techniques. But the one thing they won’t do is look into your eyes, stroke your face, engage emotionally or whisper beautiful things to you afterwards.
Maybe this is just my experience of Asperger’s men. I suspect they all have different social and personal issues going on that make having a relationship, on an intimate level, with a woman very hard indeed. And so, in conclusion I don’t have any answers, except to say good luck!
My books both contain characters with Aspergers, based on my own experiences. Here’s a link:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Catholic-Womans-Dying-Wish-Things-ebook/dp/B014DP7HQW/