As a funeral celebrant occasionally I get the call I dread the most. The death of a baby at birth: a pointless loss of life, an innocent life who hasn’t even taken its first breath and inevitably the parents are devastated. I consider part of my job to console, to listen, to offer words of comfort but my title is ‘celebrant’…. but how can we possibly celebrate in the midst of such tragedy?
According to a recent Radio 4 File on 4 investigation into stillbirth ten babies a day in the UK die after 24 weeks gestation. A further seven a day die during the first 4 weeks. (cot death). These rates have remained the same over the last 10 years. There has been no reduction despite falling mortality among other groups.
When I visit bereaved parents the pain they endure is etched across their faces; the type of pain I have never seen before and I usually drive home in tears, carrying their pain. I never forget these couples and carry the memory with me. Their pain is so raw and tangible and I’m no medic I have only poetry and words of comfort to soothe their pain but I don’t have the answers they need.
Time and again the parents are confused, they haven’t been given the answers they so desperately need and I get the impression that every avenue hasn’t been explored, the full picture of events hasn’t been looked at and investigated properly by the medical teams. In the weeks after a stillbirth all the parents can do is live in a fog of confusion, day to day trying to adjust to a life that wasn’t supposed to be this way. They have spent nine months anticipating, looking forward, making plans. A new baby is a life changer and mentally they have prepared for this, then suddenly it’s all snatched away. The house is full of equipment – a cot, pram, toys, clothing and now they don’t know what to do. Do they get rid of it all? But they might have another? What if the same thing happens and they lose the next one? What caused this? Mothers ask into the open space between me and them. I don’t know anymore than they do. I’m a helpless bystander. Could this have been prevented? My answer is usually the clichéd answer ‘I guess it’s just one of those things…’ ‘you mustn’t blame yourself’ but I don’t like pedaling cliches I want to know answers as much as they do. Only with answers can grieving couples move on. They just don’t know and it’s heartbreaking for the whole family from grandparents to siblings.
File on 4 reported a patchy system of inquests across the country. Only 4:10 stillbirths have a post mortem. Parents need to know what has happened and why and an inquest should be routine, every time it happens.
The figure for stillbirths is even higher among incarcerated women – those in prisons for instance. In my book ‘The Catholic Woman’s Dying Wish’ Kathleen, incarcerated in a Magdalene laundry in 1975 suffered an agonizing stillbirth. What caused her stillbirth? Was it the poor care she received from the callous nuns who had no regard for human life if the mother was unmarried? Or was it caused by the hardened labour endured toiling in the laundries every day from dawn until dusk? Justice for Magdalenes is still fighting for compensation for the wrongs inflicted upon these women by the Catholic Church.
My heart goes out to all parents facing such a loss.
To read Kathleen’s story, based on my extensive research of the Magdalene laundries and stillbirth click this link to my books:
Useful article on stillbirth in the UK:
Link to Justice for Magdalenes:
http://www.magdalenelaundries.com