It was a dark night. Sodden leaves gathered in soggy mounds outside the dimly lit village hall in Lindfield, West Sussex. Winter is approaching. As we huddled into a circle on red velvet chairs heavy rain came down like handfuls of nails outside, smacking against the windows.
It sounds rather like the opening of a horror movie doesn’t it? But make no mistake. Death Cafe isn’t a grim and macabre affair. In fact it can be quite a cheery evening out. And the people who attend are hardly Christopher Lee characters. While we chatted about what had brought us to such an event the kettle boiled in the kitchen next door and delicious homemade cakes awaited for the mid way interval.
We hold our Mid Sussex Death Cafe bi- monthly and at two locations, alternating between Cuckfield, (The Pantry’ Cafe) and Lindfield (King Edward Hall). It’s part of a worldwide movement (www.Deathcafe.com) designed to break down the taboo surrounding death and to facilitate discussion among those who want to talk about it.
A variety of different people attend from those involved in the death industry or in grief counselling to those simply wanting to explore thoughts about their own mortality. Last night we were thin on numbers but the discussion was still interesting. Two ladies had travelled across from Surrey. Having found out about the meeting via the Death Cafe website they were intrigued. One was a young woman in her early twenties; a recent MA graduate in Cognitive Science. She discussed a TV programme she had seen about how the Japanese deal with death and the ‘suicide spot’ on Mount Fuji; known as the ‘demon infested forest.’ (The Aokigahara Forest). This article may interest you: http://mysteriousuniverse.org/2014/05/the-mysterious-suicide-forest-of-japan/ We also discussed ISIS and the meaning of death for suicide bombers swept along in a brotherhood and what it means for those men as they approach death to be united with Allah.
One man in the group (I’ll call him John) said that he had a good friend who became very ill. He went to visit him and he was sitting in a deckchair in the garden asleep. As John approached he stirred, looked over at him and said ‘you know the difference between you and me John is that I know when I’m going to die.’ For me this was an extremely moving statement. It sent a shiver down my spine. Those who are dying are separated from those who are alive and well. We don’t know when we will die. We don’t know how we will die. And we don’t know what will happen after we die. It’s a sobering thought. The dying man had reached a new plateau, a new form of existence – the end and that set him apart from his friend. It was the biggest difference they had ever faced across their friendship and something that John could not possibly understand.
What is it like, we wondered as a group to be set apart from everyone else around you because you are dying and everyone else isn’t. And even when you meet others who are dying somehow you don’t have the same experience in common because each dying person is going through their own unique experience.
We also discussed the defeat of the assisted dying bill in the House of Commons last week. I’m in favour of assisted dying for the terminally ill but the group were split. One lady said that she has cared for those who are extremely ill but yet still have quality of life. She felt that the human mind is too troubled and that people are confused when they are ill and change their minds and therefore not in a good place to make this decision.
Personally I feel that I will wake up one day and want to end my life with the thought that there is nothing more to live for. However this is a hard one. I have children who will one day have children of their own. When you have family there is always something to live for, something to look forward to. But if there ever comes a time for me when there are no new challenges in life and just more of the same I would consider going to Switzerland.
What are your thoughts about death and dying? Why not come along to your nearest Death Cafe. Google www.deathcafe.com to find out more.
My new book ‘The Catholic Woman’s Dying Wish’ might also interest you. The link is: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Catholic-Womans-Dying-Wish-Things/dp/1511936703/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1442476661&sr=1-3&keywords=joanna+warringtonhttp://www.amazon.co.uk/Catholic-Womans-Dying-Wish-Things/dp/1511936703/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1442476661&sr=1-3&keywords=joanna+warrington
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