How do you know when your relationship is over? What does your partner have to do to make you finally realise it’s completely dead in the water and you need to get out? Sometimes it takes a long time to really put everything into perspective. When we’re in a relationship we’re living in a fug, a kind of haze and it becomes a normal state for us to be in. In other words we can no longer see the wood for the trees. All the advice from friends won’t jolt us into making a decision. We’ve listened to so many people we’re completely muddled. We’re just waiting for something to change; something to finally give us the push.
I’ve got plenty of experience in the department of breaking up. My dad had lots of affairs when I was growing up. It’s a fact. He’s not proud of it and had many regrets after her death. It always seemed simple to me. He was treating her badly but still she stayed. She finally filed for divorce when his latest woman became pregnant. Many other women stay despite being beaten up on many occasions.I got divorced but found it extremely hard to make the decision to end things. Nobody wants to give up after all. Since then I’ve had two further long relationships, both have which have ended in tears!
My second novel ‘The Catholic Woman’s Dying Wish’ reflects the struggle women often have in ending a relationship. Darius the main character is very nasty, mainly verbally abusive. He can’t hold his tongue. He has enough demons of his own and takes it out on Faye. Their relationship is a classic example of how sex, or lack of it isn’t always an indication that the relationship is over. They still enjoy sex, lust after each other’s bodies even after he says some pretty awful things. But that’s life. Sometimes we stay until the bitter end, until we’re ground down into the gutter. Faye certainly did.
Lack of communication isn’t always a good indication things are over. Some couples, like Darius and Faye open up and tell each other their deepest emotions, raw and hurtful at times but they can still tell each other what is wrong so you’d think they could work it out but they can’t. The circumstances of life, in their case has got in the way.
Extreme boredom can spell the death knell of your relationship. It creeps up gradually, it’s insidious. You don’t know when the boredom started, you don’t know why but suddenly there you both are on the sofa watching TV but ignoring each other. Faye in The Catholic Woman’s Dying Wish had her own routine. She never even joined him on the sofa to watch TV even when things were great. She liked to go to bed early to read a book. That must have been isolating for Darius. People get stuck in their ways when they live together particularly if they are older and have lived a long time alone.
It’s often the small things your partner does that spells the end. In ‘The Catholic Woman’s Dying Wish’ Faye’s relationship with Shayne ended in this vein. One day she was telling a friend ‘I can’t stand the way he eats, the way he coughs, the way he breathes.’ The friend replied ‘If you can’t stand the way he breathes it really is the end.’ All the little irritations are amplified when you’ve fallen out of love with someone and you’re not going to be able to turn things around if you’ve reached this level.
Are you planning a future alone? That’s a sure sign it’s come to an end. Darius started planning where he was going to live next. He even told Faye! She started planning her next move. They shared this information, they knew they were heading in different directions and yet they still had sex! Sex can be a great comfort when you’re breaking up. It’s a way of grieving. It helps you both confront and come to terms with what is happening but don’t be deceived into thinking you’re ok because you’re probably not. It is still over.
Are you bored with day to day chat? That an indication it’s over but Darius and Faye still chatted and she found him extremely interesting; he was very intelligent and knowledgeable, even though he was totally the wrong person for her.
So… it’s not so simple is it? Maybe if you read ‘The Catholic Woman’s Dying Wish’ you’ll see what I mean. Here’s the link: